The Humble Derby, a One-Act Play
Artist: Ryan Everett Felton
Cast of Characters
Tammy, 40
Russell, 50
Announcer/Dick, 60
Denise, 15
Place
The Humble, TX City Fairgrounds
Time
Summer
ACT I
Scene 1
At Rise:
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
Ladies an’ gents, girls an’ fellers, welcome one and all to the thirty-fifth Humble Derby, sponsored by Harris County Family Credit Union and Broken Artichoke Hearts’ Baby & Plant Nursery. I hope y’all brought your parasols and coconut oil because she is a hot one today.
RUSSELL (spits)
Ain’t that hot.
TAMMY
Well, he’d know. That’s Dick Retley.
RUSSELL
The weather man? My foot it is.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
I’m Dick “Rain-Slick” Retley, your WRTT meteorologist, and it’s my honor to be here callin’ today’s race. We all good an’ giddy out there?
RUSSELL (amid cheers)
Well, look at you.
TAMMY
We only get local channels at the motel we’re in.
RUSSELL
Oh. Out-of-towner?
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
We’ll get the action started here in just a minute. But first… the Unbitten Apple Baptist Church Girls’ Choir wants to serenade y’all with a little a ditty you might know called “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
(We hear the a capella children’s choir sing the National Anthem—pretty poorly. As they sing, RUSSELL and TAMMY continue their conversation. RUSSELL puts his hand over his heart. TAMMY notices and mimics him.)
TAMMY
My daughter and I’re on vacation. She wanted to go to somethin’ called South by Southwest—but we get here an’ the dang thing’s canceled. So I figured the Humble County Fair was the next best thing.
RUSSELL
Our fair ain’t never been canceled by rain nor sleet nor snow. “South by Southwest…” What is that, some Alfred Hitchcock thing?
TAMMY
See, Denise laughed at me when I asked that.
RUSSELL
Well, at any rate, welcome to our humble little hometown.
TAMMY
Well, that isn’t nothin’, comin’ from a local celebrity.
(RUSSELL gives her a look.)
TAMMY
Like I said, lotsa’ local TV. I’ve seen your commercials. Trusty Rusty’s Resale Guns?
RUSSELL
Can’t deny it. I got one of those faces.
(Enter DENISE. She has a cotton candy and a box of popcorn.)
DENISE
Here’s your popcorn. Can I go back to the motel now?
TAMMY
Aw, baby, the race is just startin’ up.
DENISE
So? Paul wants to Facetime.
TAMMY
But we just got here.
DENISE
I’ll Uber back.
TAMMY
Can’t we just spend some time together? Say hi to Trusty Rusty.
DENISE (shortly)
Hi.
TAMMY
Well, all right, go on, then.
DENISE
Bye, mom.
(DENISE exits. The anthem ends. We hear applause. RUSSELL tries not to look at TAMMY.)
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
Well, wadn’t that pretty? I think that warrants a “Play ball!” So let’s meet today’s contenders.
TAMMY
I never know what to say to a teenager.
RUSSELL
Who does?
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
In lane one, it’s ol’ greasy lightnin’ himself: Give it up for Rio Grand-Pappy.
(The crowd cheers.)
TAMMY
I don’t see any Rio Grand-Pappy. Where’s the greyhound?
RUSSELL
Look harder. Ain’t a greyhound race, lady.
TAMMY
What is that, a ‘possum?
RUSSELL
No, ma’am. Welcome to Texas state’s most popular armadillo derby.
TAMMY
Armadillos!
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
Yessir, looks like our five-time champ-een is ready and rarin’ to go. And in lane two, we’ve got a young stallion with more’n a little bitta wiggle. Here he is, it’s Michelin Man!
(The crowd cheers.)
TAMMY
Armadillos.
RUSSELL
A Humble tradition. You really are from out of town.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And in lanes three and four, it’s America’s favorite A-list couple, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia.
TAMMY
I’m a little embarrassed. I bet ten dollars on this.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
So it’s only right we put the pair of ‘em next to Wicked Stepmother over in lane five.
(The crowd cheers. There’s some booing.)
TAMMY
I guess I went overboard.
RUSSELL
Naw. I got twelve hundred ridin’ on this.
TAMMY
Twelve hundred? Boy, what I couldn’t do with twelve hundred smackers.
RUSSELL
Just a little gentlemen’s wager.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And in lane six, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the out-of-towner you’ve all been hearin’ about. The song of the south, the thunder from down under, the Columbian critter here to steal our hearts away and leave us in the dust. It’s Miguel!
(The crowd starts chanting.)
CROWD
Miguel. Miguel. Miguel. Miguel…
RUSSELL (over chanting)
That’s my boy. Sponsored exclusively by Trusty Rusty’s Resale Guns. I imported him from Latin America. Had him de-wormed, belly hair trimmed for aerodynamics. Been runnin’ him in a hamster wheel for months.
TAMMY
He looks different than the others.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And last but not least, it’s the dearly departed Mamacita’s quadruplets in lanes seven to nine. Say hello to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Leatherface.
RUSSELL
What’s that?
TAMMY
I said yours looks different than any armadillo I ever saw.
RUSSELL
That’s because he’s an Andean Hairy Armadillo. They don’t make animals like that here in the U.S. of A.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And… just a moment here, folks. Looks like one of our racers has his tail stuck in a beer can. We’ll get this sorted.
(The crowd roars with laughter.)
TAMMY
I bet on Leatherface.
RUSSELL
Then you’re out ten dollars, miss. No one beats Miguel.
TAMMY
Is he fast?
RUSSELL
Not particularly. I’d say “scrappy.”
TAMMY
Scrappy?
RUSSELL
You don’t wanna be on the other end of them claws.
(RUSSELL lifts up a sleeve, revealing a series of red, scabby marks in random patterns.)
TAMMY
You trained your armadillo to fight?
RUSSELL
Train nothin’. He’s a natural born killer.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
All right, folks, looks like we’ve got that situated. And our racers are ready. How ‘bout you?
(The crowd cheers.)
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
All right, racers. On your mark…
TAMMY
Am I about to watch a massacre, mister?
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
…Get set…
RUSSELL
I wonder.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
Go!
(RUSSELL and TAMMY lean in over the fence. He is eager, anxious. She nervously eats popcorn. Over the announcements, TAMMY offers him some popcorn; RUSSELL declines.)
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And they’re off! Rio Grand-Pappy takes an early lead, surprisin’ nobody! Right up behind him, there comes Uncle Vernon. And—oop—Prancer smell’s somethin’ tasty I think, ‘cuz there she goes grubbin’ around in the mud.
RUSSELL
What is he doin’? MIGUEL! MIGUEL, sic’ em!
TAMMY
He’s just kinda sittin’ there, isn’t he?
RUSSELL
MIGUEL! Claws out, eyes sharp! (beat, then to her:) He’ll rally. He’s just workin’ up a temper. Seen it before.
TAMMY (beat)
Care to make it interesting?
RUSSELL (surprised)
To the tune of what?
TAMMY
How ‘bout five hundred bucks?
RUSSELL (laughs)
Lady, do you even got five hundred?
TAMMY
I saved up for a nice little road trip. But Denise’ll be happy if we just go back home. (beat.) So whatcha’ say?
(RUSSELL drums his fingers on the fence.)
RUSSELL
All right. You got yourself a bet.
(They shake on it.)
RUSSELL (shouts)
Miguel, you get out there and show them varmints what you got! Eyes sharp!
TAMMY
I don’t think armadillos see very well. Or hear. I read that somewhere.
RUSSELL (shouts)
At least take a few steps!
TAMMY
So he probably can’t hear you hollerin’.
(RUSSELL grabs the sides of his head and leans back.)
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And here comes Michelin Man, nosin’ up on Grand-Pappy to take over first. This is gonna be a close one, friends and neighbors.
RUSSELL
Move! Move, you dummy!
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
It’s still anyone’s race. Except maybe South America’s own Miguel, who ain’t budged an inch. He… seems to be sleepin’. In this ruckus, I don’t see how.
TAMMY
Well, he can’t hear.
RUSSELL
All right, Miss National Geographic, where was you when I was payin’ the black market trader four grand to import the damn thing?
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And it looks like Uncle Vernon may take the win… He’s so close. Just a couple more—Oop! He’s turned around. There he goes, back to start.
(The crowd reacts.)
TAMMY
Well, at least Miguel will have some company.
RUSSELL
I’m gonna kill that bastard. Gonna scoop ‘im right out of that shell…
TAMMY
Aw, it ain’t his fault. Wild animals are unpredictable. Oh!
(She bats his shoulder with the back of her hand.)
TAMMY
Do you see that? Makin’ a beeline for the finish? Is that—
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
Hey there! Here comes a dark horse if I ever saw one. Leatherface is shot out of a cannon, ladies and gents.
RUSSELL
You gotta be kiddin’ me.
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
Leatherface seems to be a ‘diller possessed, boys and girls. He passes Aunt Petunia… Overtakes Wicked Stepmother… Dasher… Just look at him go!
RUSSELL
Are you griftin’ me, lady?
TAMMY
Ha! Just watch that!
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.)
And… yes! Yes! Leatherface takes it! Leatherface wins the Humble Derby!
TAMMY
Is that somethin’!
RUSSELL
You gotta be kiddin’ me.
TAMMY
Five hundred dollars in the bank! Woo-eee!
RUSSELL
I feel like a rube.
TAMMY
Aw, don’t be a sore loser.
(RUSSELL takes a wad of cash out of his pocket and counts it out to TAMMY while he talks.)
RUSSELL
Five hundred to you. Twelve hundred more to… I’m not even sure. Some charity?
TAMMY
Well, what’re you gonna do with Miguel?
RUSSELL
I dunno. Barbecue ‘im, more’n likely. Damn thing.
(TAMMY looks at the money in her hand.)
TAMMY
I’d like to buy him off you.
RUSSELL
Buy him?
TAMMY
Five hundred dollars. Final offer.
RUSSELL
And what are you gonna do with a Andean Hairy Armadillo?
TAMMY
Give him a home. Or, I dunno, maybe take him home. Maybe he’s got a family missin’ him.
RUSSELL
You ain’t goin’ to no Andes.
TAMMY
Well, maybe I should.
RUSSELL
Uh-huh.
TAMMY
Maybe it’s just the winner’s high, mister, but I feel like I can do just about anything.
RUSSELL
Okay.
TAMMY
So we have a deal?
RUSSELL
Why the hell not.
TAMMY
There we go!
(They shake on it. TAMMY hands him the money back.)
TAMMY
So what’s he eat?
RUSSELL
Now how in the hell would I know that? Hang tight here. I’ll go get Miguel out the stable.
TAMMY
I’ll be right here.
(RUSSELL exits. The crowd’s murmuring, dispersing: We can hear it. TAMMY leans on the rail again. She lets out a single giggle.)
(DICK enters. He leans his back against the rail, facing away. He sticks a cigarette into his mouth and looks at her. When he speaks, we hear the same voice as the ANNOUNCER.)
DICK
Do you mind?
TAMMY
Nah.
DICK (lighting up)
It is a hot one. But the rain’ll cool it down.
RUSSELL
It don’t look like rain. But I guess you’d know.
DICK
I don’t know much, but I know weather.
(DICK extends a hand to TAMMY.)
DICK
Rain-Slick Retley. What do you know, miss?
(TAMMY shakes his hand.)
TAMMY
I know armadillos don’t hear so good.
DICK
No foolin’.
TAMMY
Can’t make that stuff up.
DICK
No. No, don’t figure ya’ can.
(DICK takes a drag off his cigarette. TAMMY turns around to watch for Russell. Their backs are both to us.)
(Lights dim.)
CURTAIN
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